How to woo a woman
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If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”