Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
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If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
not for long
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird