I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
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My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
All food is good if you spell it wrong
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
I have questions??
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
IT’S-A ME,
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket