I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
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GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.