A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
You Might Also Like
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
“The Perfect Relationship”
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.