Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
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Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
my dog when i have a friend over
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him