Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
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Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.