Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
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become ungovernable
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”