me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
You Might Also Like
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one