Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
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[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.