(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
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[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.