Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
You Might Also Like
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Love this one 😂🧟