The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
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[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Sharon I have some bad news
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
*puts cutlery down*
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no