People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
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No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.