Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
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“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Me when my alarm goes off
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old