My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
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Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.