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Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato