Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
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My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Body by sandwich.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
That’s it.I’m out.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.