I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
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Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.