I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
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Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid