I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
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If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Taco Bell, Exit 22
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.