My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
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my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.