Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
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wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Hey i am sexy to you now
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.