Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
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“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.