[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
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Seekh Kebab
Not attention
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE