I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
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My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.