My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
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[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
This is not me but this is me
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage