Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
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Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*