*swipes right on my hand mirror
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The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
I wish this was real life…
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.