A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
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I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.