We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
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[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
This hospital has everything
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.