Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
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they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins