*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
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“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Barbie gone wild
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
More like Kate Missington.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list