Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
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Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”