My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
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5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Yes, but it was never about money
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.