Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
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Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.