Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
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Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’