unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
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If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet