Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
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“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that