“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
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If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?