me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
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I never know how much to tip a cow.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.