guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
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Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
#MeanwhileinCanada
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.