Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
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I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
(Musicians.)
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.