My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
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Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.