Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
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“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
God has abandoned us.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
what it’s like dating me:
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Inside you there are two wolves
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!