An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
You Might Also Like
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car