Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
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When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured