Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
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Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
no their not
Good dog. ❤️
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body