My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
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I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it