“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky